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[14 Apr 2003|12:28pm] [ mood | bored ] Tis my first play with live journal.. honestly. Images and what not... best I could come up with in two seconds. La De.. fucking.... da lookie 13 ##s| hurt me

[21 Feb 2003|06:01am] [ mood | accomplished ] I'm going friends only for a little while again. I have so many things I need to say, that I don't want others to read. For a short time I seemed to have forgotten that this is MY diary. I should feel free to write whatever I want without the fear of judgement by ex lovers, ex friends, friends of ex lovers, friends of ex friends.. etc. This is my life, my diary, my thoughts, my feelings. Want in? Add me 14 ##s| hurt me

[21 Feb 2003|04:45am] [ mood | nostalgic ] [pointless babbling.. I couldn't stay on one subject or make the words come out correct] I feel so out of place. I knew my birthday was going to bring too many realiziations. And it has. See, I don't see Crissy as being twenty two years old. In my head, she's the same age as me. Just has the ability to buy booze. Which doesn't affect me in any way, shape, or form. She not a girl, or a twenty two year old woman.. in my head. She's my Crissy... my.... Crissy. This human being. This wonderful human being that I'm lucky enough to hold onto. There's no age, gender, weight, shape.. when I look at her. Just this person that I've wrapped my whole goddamn world around [bad habit of mine]. Anyway, about being left out. I realized today.. that I'm adult. That a whole part of my life is over. That now.. is when I should be getting things together. Now or never for me. I was scanning through the TV a few hours ago.. and passed by some high school movie. I watched it for a split second. And realized I didn't have that. I'm never going to have that. High school is important. If not for your future job and what not... for your future people skills, social skills, conversation skills... etc. I never learned those. I don't know how to handle being around a massive group of people. I also don't know how to study. I don't know what it's like to be asked to a prom. I don't have a high school ring. Or high school friends. Or all those memories that I've missed out on. Yes.. I have memories of those years. But basically none have anything to do with a school.. a high school. I feel left out. Left behind in a sense. Crissy and I went out to eat tonight.. at unos [don't go there ever]. Crissy called Chrissy [notice the spelling].. and Chrissy came to join us. And she's sitting there talking about her kids, her two jobs, her piece of shit car, her house.. etc. Then Kenneth comes in [and I think he feels just as out of place as I do].. and then Daniel comes in. And there's this whole conversation that I can't be a part of. Because I have reached that part of my life yet. The full time jobs.. the owning your own car [I own half of mine].. the owning your own place.. the kids. I'm not there yet. Sometimes I hate that all my friends are so much older then I am. Because we can't connect on the same level. However, I think I've gotten pretty good at making it seem as though I know what I'm talking about. At least none of this is like Jenipher. When I met Jenipher was I 12 / 13.. she was 15 / 16.. and that's how I'll always remember her. When I see her now, all grown up.. I can't.. see her. She's got a husband, a job, a place, a car, a baby. A normal life. The type of life I wanted. She married her first love, had a baby.. even though everybody told her she couldn't.. got a good job right out of high school. She's a hard worker, a good wife, and a good mother. But that isn't my Jenipher. My Jenipher.. is sixteen.. driving this early mid 80s.. hatch back baby blue car.. ... Driving nowhere really.. just.. everywhere. I'm in the seat beside her.. my hair is blowing around.. and we've got manson or something playing on the radio. We're bull shitting about people we use to know. Making plans for the night.. who's house we're going to go get fucked up. Which one of our parents is gonna find us first. We're joking about how our mothers are lesbian lovers. I can see this beautiful smile across her face, and hear this youthful laugh... I can picture how the sun use to glimmer off of her strawberry blond hair... how many freckles she got in the summer. I can remember getting off my school bus... 7th grade.. [first year I think]. Jenipher and I were found drunk by both of our parents outside of Corey's house a few nights ago.. and her mother took her car keys away.. but.. the second I step off that bus.. here she comes flying around the corner in that car we loved so much. She screams "hey bitch! get in!." I fly towards the car and I'm free. Nothing could stop us. I remember.. that Lisa and Jenipher [twin sisters] shared the car. But Jenipher and I hated Lisa.. and we'd take the car when it was supposed to be Lisa's turn. Lisa use to be in color gaurd.. yanno.. those people that wave the huge flags at football games and shit. Well one day.. Jenipher and I took the car .. and Lisa was getting ready to go somewhere with it. Jenipher and I ran out of their house and jumpped in the car, locking the doors. And here comes Lisa.. with her color gaurd pole. Jenipher starts the car and throws it into reverse.. and we start going backwards out of the drive way. About that moment.. Lisa slams the color gaurd pole into the hood of the car.. an inch away from the windsheld.. that's what she was aiming for. Jeniphers grown up.. Lisa hasn't. Hollow 2 ##s| hurt me

[21 Feb 2003|03:22am] [ mood | satisfied ] It amazes me how things that shouldn't bother us do. Things that died out three.. four.. five.. years ago. How a peek at those things.. make it feel like somebody just knocked the wind out of you. Anyway, we're not gonna talk about what I did to myself a few minutes ago. The affect didn't last long. I'll live. Just a few more emotions to shove away. -------------- I finally learned how to use my cell phone timer and security. Also found out that I can get text messages and shit. Anyway... hurt me

[19 Feb 2003|04:11am] [ mood | apathetic ] People say everything changes. I don't agree. The sound of a breaking heart, remains the same. That look.... that look that silently screams "I'd do anything for you".. stays the same. It's the rest of the world that changes. We all have the same basic human emotions. Those natural emotions are hidden, buried underneath everything else. Though there are those few living people.. that I refuse to call human beings. The ones that lack all basic human emotions. But who am I to judge? I'm more of a person then they'll ever be. "I hate you more then life it's self. I even hate you more then I hate myself." ----------------- Manson concert, my third manson show. Yes... at heart.. I am still a 1995 - 1999 mansonite. So.. fuck off. 1 ##| hurt me

fucking christ [18 Feb 2003|01:09am] [ mood | annoyed ] Alright. Crissy comes in here and we start talking, joking about stretch marks.. etc.. She's talking to this guy who works in a clothes store and makes three something dollars a week. I said why don't you go do it. She said I wasn't a dependable ride. Kinda bothered me, but didn't piss me off. I use to wake up at five something in the morning to take to work. Then I'd be awake at two something in the afternoon to let her inside. I made her walk to work once, and it was in walking distance. I use to walk there! It was raining and I was sick that day. Sorry! So I said "can I say something without you getting angry".. I calmly and as nice as possible went into how I have to pick up after her. She went into how I didn't pick up after myself. Pardon me? I put everything of mine in the sink last night before I went to bed, it went into the sink because everything in the dish washer was clean and I was too tired to unload it. I also threw away soda cans of hers last night, a plate, and a huge empty bucket of strawberrys she left on the computer stand. I'm not going to say I pick up after myself all the time. My mother does sometimes. She said "don't bitch at me for doing the same things you do." I said.. "I'm not your mother, and neither is Debbie [my mother]". She stormed off and said "fine, I'll move out thursday." I'm sorry... a plate with food on it sitting in my bed room for four days bothers me. A glass of pickle juice sitting in the living room for a week, along with a bag of chips.. bothers me. I don't bitch at her to pick it up. I ask nicely. And I don't ask over and over again. I may ask twice, maybe three times.. in one full day. What irks me is.. that when she lived in the trailer she picked up after herself and everybody else. Why does she think she doesn't have to do that here? And she leaves spit globs in the sink, I'm talking about the green stuff. I don't understand why she gets sooooo angry. I talk to her in the nicest calmest tone when I have to say things that may piss her off. Why does she think I judge everything she does. She said "daughter" to this guy on the phone. Talking about how she was her mothers daughter. The guy didn't like the way she said daughter, so she said "my mothers sibling".. I said "Pam? [her mothers sister]".. she said "me".. I said "sibling means your mothers sister/brother. Offspring means children." And she thought I was calling her stupid. I wasn't. I can't help it if I have an over powering voice. When you're brought up in a house full of people that yell at one another. You have to have a strong voice so you're heard. And my hearings bad. Too many nights of falling asleep with huge head phones blaring music into my ears. And too many concerts with me standing front row beside the HUGE speaker. hurt me

[15 Feb 2003|02:06am] [ mood | irritated ] I'm going to break my hands so they can't find me through this damn box. Damn this internet. Damn them. And damn me for allowing them to affect me. Very few people can make me hurt. They are those people. The ones that know everything about me. The ones that can push every button. The ones that know not to touch me, because I'll break. The ones that touch me anyway. The ones like.. YOU hurt me

silence [13 Feb 2003|10:07pm] [ mood | sleepy ] The comment feature has been turned off for this entry... for a reason. I don't want to talk about this to another living soul. --------------------------------- My plan this morning was to leave my house at 4:30 before my mother woke up at 5:00 to take me to the hospital. Tina talked me into at least trying to go to the hospital. At five I woke my mother up and got in the shower. I got dressed afterwards and sat downstairs to smoke a cigarette. I was completely ignoring what was going to happen. My mother kept telling me to think good thoughs on the way to the hospital. She kept patting my shaking leg which was driving me crazy, but I didn't say anything. I'm still okay at this point. I'm okay as I walk into the hospital. As soon as I hit the O.P. ward.. into those rooms I panic. I could feel my chest tightening and my breathing picking up in pace. They tell my mother they can't do the surgery with my lip ring in. I flash a smile, wave, and dart towards the exit door. My mother catches me in the hall way. And takes me to my room. There she starts to cry. Pleading with me to take my lip ring out. Saying she doesn't want me to die [of cancer]. This hurts. My mother isn't allowed to cry in front of me. She's not allowed to prove she's human. The knock out doctor comes in and explains he can put a pipe of some kind in the hole after removing the lip ring so it won't close. My mother chimes in that she'll take me to my studio afterwards to buy me a stud for my lip ring. In replacement. At this point I agree, only because my mother cried. And I know the look she'll give me if I walk out. I put my gown on. I'm sitting there in one of those ugly hospital gowns ontop of my bed. Here's where I start to really lose it. I start crying and whispering / pleading with my mother to let me go home. I kept getting flash backs of me in the mental wards doing this same thing. I know how much this hurts her, my pleading. She doesn't know how much that look she gives hurts me. She starts to rub my eyes like she did when I was very small, a weak attempt to calm me down. Only makes me flash back into being a small child again. She tells me that when I was two, and had to be put under, she had to hold me in her arms why she did it. In my head I'm wishing I was two all over again. A new start. Then the doctor comes in to put my IV in. A horribly large needle, for my horribly small veins. He's going to numb my arm before infecting me with the IV. Mind you be, there are no meds in this IV. What frightens me first, is that I don't want to be numbed. I don't want to be relaxed. I don't want to go to sleep. Then he asks me to lay down, that it'll be easier for him to put the IV in if I'm laying down. I'm starting to get paranoid. Scared that they're lying to me about what's in that clear bag connected to this needle that's going to be entering my numb arm. I say in a frantic voice.. "can I sit back up when the IV is in?".. he says yes. I lay down.. I didn't want to lay down. I didn't want to relax. I didn't want to go to sleep. I can't explain why, but these were my biggest fears. He walks over with the numbing injection. My mother has my other hand. Here goes Kay.................. I jump up.. attempt to pull my hand away from my mother, she won't let go. So I shove her across the room into the wall.. toss myself out of the bed.. grab my hospital bag with my clothes and swing into the bathroom connected to my room. I lock the door, and fling the handle to the sink so nobody can hear me. This happened in five seconds flat. I don't believe my feet ever touched the ground. I close my eyes, reopen them and the sink is flooding onto the floor. I turn the water off. My mother talks to me through the door. I curl into the corner.. with the toilet in front of me and the hospital trash can beside me. At this point I'm remembering my second year in seventh grade. When I freaked out, calmly walked out of class and stepped into the girls bath room. Bathrooms calm me. Nothing moves, no thing makes a sound. It's silent. My vision and hearing go crazy when I freak out. Everything slows down. Still in the hospital bathroom, the corner of the hospital bathroom. I'm staring into this perfectly clean toilet.. staring at the bubbles clinging to the hole under the water. Watching how these bubbles don't move. Nothing is moving. I'm calming down. My mother stops talking, and a nurse comes into the room [not the bathroom] and asks if I want a sedative. I say no. I don't want to relax. My mother tells me they've paged my OBGYN [who is doing the surgery]. And she'll be here in twenty minutes. She asks me to come out of the bathroom. Now, I'm not staying the bathroom because I'm afraid. I'm staying in the bathroom because I can't face my mother. I can't tell her I won't do this. I can't see that look. It gets silent, and I can hear the nurses talking outside of my room. I'm starting to get paranoid again. I'm afraid my mother is out there plotting with them. Some way to get me under without my knowledge. I call me mothers name. She's still outside of the door. She replys in this cruel dry tone. I shut up. My OBGYN gets there, and takes my mother out of the room so I can come out of the bathroom. We talk. We're going to try the simple sedatives... in her doctors office. Not today, but later on. I get dressed and leave with my mother. She's not angry. But she doesn't understand. --------------------------------- I'm going to die of cancer. Because I can't do this. And nobody understands why. It's not simple fear. It's those thought that run through my head. Those thousands of those that repeat over and over again inside my head. There's also the fact that my mother has been telling me she was afraid she'd never wake up everytime she went under. There's also the fact that she always tells me the doctors spent hours talking her into letting me go under when I was two.. because she was afraid I'd never wake up. This I believe my sister can somewhat understand. Nobody understands. That when I'm afraid.. I hold up as long as I can.. but the second I say anything, or I move, or speak. It can't be controled anymore. I wonder how far they would have gotten if they hadn't have attempted to numb my arm before putting the IV in me. If he hadn't have made me lay down. I was afraid of relaxing because I didn't trust them. I could hear them plotting. I'm not like the rest of you. I'm not just depressed . . . . . . I'm actually crazy Hollow

this is me [13 Feb 2003|04:52am] [ mood | artistic ] I found a song I can connect with. Every word.. the voice. The tone, the sound. The music. Me. I'm going to post the lyrics here. The ones underlined will be the most important parts to me. "I want to know how it will end. I want to be sure of what it will cost. I want to strangle the stars for all they promised me. I want you to call me on your drug phone. I want to keep you alive so there is always the possibility of murder later. I want to be there when you learn the cost of desire. I want you to understand that my malevolence is just a way to win. I want the name of the ruiner. I want matches in case I have to suddenly burn. I want you to know that being kind is overrated. I want to write my secret across your sky. I want to watch you lose control. I want to watch you lose. I want to know exactly what it's going to take. I want to see you insert yourself into glory. I want your touches to scar me so I'll know where you've been. I want you to watch when I go down in flames. I want a list of atrocities done in your name. I want to reach my hand into the dark and feel what reaches back. I want to remember when my nightmares were clearer. I want to be there when your hot black rage rips wide open. I want to taste my own kind. I want to be wrapped in cold wet sheets to see if it's different on this side. I want you to come on strong. I want to leave you out in the cold. I want the exact same thing but different. I want some soft drugs...some soft, soft drugs. I want to throw you. I want you to know I know. I want to know if you read me. I want to swing with my eyes shut and see what I hit. I want to know just how much you hate me so I can predict what you'll do. I want you to know the wounds are self-inflicted. I want a controlling interest. I want to be somewhere beautiful when I die. I want to be your secret hater. I want to stop destroying you but I can't. And I want and I want and I want and I will always be hungry. And I want and I want and I want." This is Recoil - Want MY SONG 2 ##s| hurt me

fuck the stars [13 Feb 2003|04:44am] [ mood | thirsty ] Fuck the goddamn stars in your sky! I'm so afraid. This is the worst week of my life. I've been on the edge all week. I've cried in public. Something I never do. Yesterday was bad, today is worse. Yesterday I had to go to the hospital for my blood work. I sat in the waiting room for 45 minutes. I was shaking.. and attempting to read the news paper. Didn't work out very well.. and was rather loud at that. They called me back and she started asking questions.. The normal questions. One was.. do I have any open wounds. I pointed out that I had just gotten my lip pierced two weeks ago and that the hole was just getting over an infection. She told me I had to take all the metal out of my head for the surgery. Before she finished speaking I bluntly said .. no. My lip will close in an hour. My gauges will drop down in four hours. She then told me why I had to take my lip ring out. When they put me under, completely under, they have to put a tube down my throat. Because if my head falls to the side it will cut off my air pipe.. and I will die.. The tube down my throat will be going straight down my air pipe. Anything that falls into my mouth will go down this tube and go into my lungs and I will die within seconds. She believes that my lip ring will come lose and slide down the tube. I disagree.. seeing as you have to use tools to get the loop out of my mouth! This was the straw that broke my back. I stood up and screamed "FUCK IT!" This released all my fears. And I started to panic. I flew out of her office and got lost, finally found my way out into the waiting room and didn't stop walking. I started to cry. I kept walking. I wanted the car to be parked 50 odd something miles away, so I didn't have to stop walking. I wanted to walk forever. I wanted to walk away from all of this. From me. I wanted to walk away...... from me. I'm so scared. I know I can't do this. I go into that horrible hospital at seven. It's five now. I haven't had anything to drink since 12:17 AM. I am so thirsty. I am so afraid. I can't do this. . . . . . . . . I can't do this Hollow 3 ##s| hurt me

[10 Feb 2003|02:21am] [ mood | blank ] Sometimes things seem the same even when I close my eyes. I'm empty, and alone. This doesn't bother me. But in turn, that bothers me. Most people don't understand what I mean when I say things like that. I'm not bothered by being empty and alone. But not being bothered by that is bothering me. Still sounds confusing. I guess you have had to feel this way at some point to understand what I'm weakly attempting to say. Two ex's in two hours. A little bit much to handle? No, not really. Keith called twice today. He asked me to come see him, at like eight at night. I refused on the grounds that I didn't have enough gas. Also, I didn't want to meet Kat, nor see Ethan again. Coby and I talked on and off all night. Pointless babbling. Stupid shit. Though we didn't fight. Not one harsh word. Just two people that use to know one another speaking. Every once in awhile I catch myself thinking about Coby, but then I remember that he more then likely hasn't changed. And the good thoughs fade to nothing. He's gotten beautiful though.. Funny.. Coby.. the average one got beautiful. And Keith.. the beautiful one got average. I have court tues.. testing wed.. and I'm going under thurs. I wounder which day I'll actually die. It's all the same even when I close my eyes. Hollow 5 ##s| hurt me

[06 Feb 2003|03:54am] [ mood | tired ] I just went on a commenting rampage. Here ya go. . My Father thinks I am: i'm a huge mistake . My Mother thinks I am: everything and nothing at the same time . My sister thinks I am: a loser that will never make it . My brother thinks I am: .. he doesn't think. . My grandma thinks I am: I'm mean and cruel. . My grandpa thinks I am: .. he doesn't think. My boyfriend/girlfriend thinks I am: .. n/a . My best friend thinks I am: her life. +your three best qualities = I can listen, I'm motherly, I'm comforting. +three worst qualities = blunt, cruel at times, overbearing +three things you are often complimented for = my nails +you get embarrassed when = anything happens +makes you happy = piercings, good movies, being held, holding somebody, having my hair brushed, being smiled at, dr. pepper, getting mail, getting e mail, crawling in my bed when I'm really tired. The little things make me extremely happy. +upsets you = Rejection, being yelled at, being told I'm being bitchy.. WHEN I'M NOT! +you keep a diary = I've had an internet diary for over three years. +you like to cook = No +you have a secret you have not shared with anyone = Yes +you fold your underwear = No +you talk in your sleep = Very much +you set your watch a few minutes ahead = No +you bite your fingernails = No +you believe in love= I'm starting to doubt Last... x. movie you rented = The Dolls x. movie you bought = Detroit Rock City x. song you listened to = Recoil - last call for liquid courage. x. song that was stuck in your head = If I only had a brain. x. song you've downloaded = no idea x. CD you bought = n/a x. CD you listened to = Reba x. person you've called = Some guy named Trent. x. person that's called you = Ashley x. TV show you've watched = I dunno x. person you were thinking of = Keith Do... x. you wish you could live somewhere else = Not really x. you think about suicide = No x. you believe in online dating = No x. others find you attractive = Nope x. you want more piercings = Oh yeah x. you want more tattoos = No x. you drink = Nope x. you do drugs = Nope x. you smoke = Yes x. you like cleaning = Not really x. you like roller coasters = Yeah x. you write in cursive or print = Print x. you carry a donor card = Nope, I'm not a donor. And my mother works for UNOS. Have you... x. ever cried over a boy/girl = Yes x. ever lied to someone = Yes x. ever been in a fist fight = Yes x. ever been arrested = Yes What... x. shampoo do you use = Dunno x. perfume do you use = Inner R.. something x. shoes do you wear = Vans x. are you scared of = failure, cancer, death, aids, hiv, weakness, war.. etc Number... x. of times I have been in love? Once x. of times I have had my heart broken? Once x. of hearts I have broken? One that I know of. Sorry John. x. of girls I have kissed?....... god....... at the least twelve. x. of guys i have kissed? ... no idea. x. of people I consider my enemies? One x. of people from high school that I stayed in contact with? None x. of CDs' that I own? None x. of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? None x. of things in my past that I regret? Lets not go there. Seven things that scare you: 1. Death 2. Cancer 3. War 4. Bugs 5. Adult Men 6. The dark 7. Bush Seven things that make you laugh: 1. Crissy 2. Stupidity 3. Rap 4. Keith's life 5. Lisa's life 6. Horrible liars 7. Bush Seven things you love: 1. Crissy 2. My mother 3. My nephews 4. Dr. Pepper 5. Old movies 6. Cuddling 7. My sister Seven things you hate: 1. Stupid stupid people. 2. Close minded people. 3. Being judged. 4. Skinny people that say they're fat! 5. The dark 6. The heat 7. Bush Seven things you don't understand: 1. Myself 2. Certain things people do. 3. Tattoos 4. Blunt stupidity 5. MISTER FUCKING BUSH 6. 7. Seven things on your desk: 1. Two ash trays 2. A pack of carettes 3. A letter from Keith 4. A letter to Keith 5. A dr pepper 6. a black light bulb 7. A remote Six things you're doing right now: 1. Doing this 2. Listening to music 3. Thinking 4. Lighting a cigarette 5. Staring at the computer screen 6. Playing with my lip ring Seven facts about you: 1. I'm not attractive. 2. I have fourteen piercings in my head. 3. I have long nails. 4. I hate my hair. 5. I feel worthless a lot. 6. I have no people skills. 7. I think too much. Seven things you plan/hope to do before you die: 1. Being able to take care of myself. 2. be a shrink or social worker <~ [wow, me too] 3. Being accepted for who and what I am. 4. Finally have somebody actually love me in a romantic sense. 5. Have two children. 6. Being mental okay.. at leasy 75% of the time. 7. Die of natural causes. Seven things you can do: 1. Scare you. 2. Design web site. 3. Type over 130 words per minute 4. Find anything and I mean ANYTHING on the internet 5. Get your password 6. Pierce a lot of things. 7. NOT use drugs [doing better then a lot of people] Seven Things You Can't Do: 1. Stay around people 2. Accept myself 3. Accept how I feel without fear of judgment. 4. Burp and or fart in public [it really isn't possible] 5. Quite smoking. 6. Spell correctly. 7. Learn anything that has anything to do with numbers. Seven Famous People You Want To Meet: 1. Marilyn Manson 2. Tim Skold 3. Mike Miller 4. Jason Miller 5. Zim Zum 6. 7. Seven things about your future husband/wife: 1. Understanding 2. Not too nice 3. Not too mean 4. Will cry 5. Sober 6. Taller then me 7. Beautiful in my eyes. Seven people who mean the world to you: (in no piticular older) 1. Crissy 2. Ryan 3. Chris 4. Sharon 5. My mother 6. Ashley 7. ---> Birthdate: Jan 30th 1985 ---> Birthplace: D.C. ---> Current Location: Richmond Va. ---> Eye Color: Green ---> Hair Color: Dirty blond ---> Righty or Lefty: Right handed ---> Zodiac Sign: Aquarius ---> Innie or Outtie: Innie // series two - describe ---> Your heritage: German, Irish ---> The shoes you wore today: Flip Flops ---> Your hair: Past my shoulders.. dirty blond with five inch black tips. --->Your eyes: Green ---> Your weakness?: Too many to list. ---> Your fears: DEAR CHRIST, LOOK ABOVE! -->Your perfect pizza: Bacon, mushrooms, extra cheese.. ---> One thing you'd like to achieve: Stability ---> Your most overused phrase on aol\aim: heh ---> Your thoughts first waking up: don't tell me what time it is ---> The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: shoulders, height, hair ---> Your best physical features: nails ---> Your bedtime: whenever ---> Your greatest accomplishment: don't have one ---> Your best memory: A few // series five - do you ---> Smoke: Yes ---> Cuss: Yes ---> Sing well: No ---> Take a shower everyday: No ---> Want to go to college: I don't know ---> Like high school: No ---> Want to get married: Yes ---> Type with your fingers on the right key: No ---> Believe in yourself: Sometimes ---> Get motion sickness: Sometimes ---> Think you're attractive: No ---> Think you're a health freak: No ---> Get along with your parents: Sometimes ---> Like thunderstorms: Yes ---> Play an instrument: No // series six - in the past month, did/have you ---> Drank alcohol: No ---> Smoke(d): Yes ---> Done a drugs: No ---> Made Out: Yes ---> Go on a date: No ---> Go to the mall?: Yes ---> Been on stage: No ---> Been dumped: No ---> Gone skating: No ---> Made homemade cookies: No ---> Been in love: No ---> Gone skinny dipping: No ---> Dyed your hair: No ---> Stolen anything: No // series seven - have you ever? ---> Played a game that required removal of clothing?: No ---> Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes ---> Been caught "doing something": Yes ---> Been called a tease: Yes ---> Gotten beaten up: No ---> Shoplifted: Yes ---> If so, did you get caught: No ---> Changed who you were to fit in: No // series eight - the future ---> Age you hope to be married: Mid twenties ---> Numbers and Names of Children: Two.. no idea ---> Describe your Dream Wedding: Catholic ---> What age do you want to die: 76000 ---> What do you want to be when you grow up: shrink, socail worker, something with kids <~ [me too] ---> What country would you most like to visit: Canada.. again. ---> Current Clothes: t-shirt, underwear, bra ---> Current Mood: Infected [piercing] ---> Current Taste: Dr. Pepper. ---> Current Hair: Up ---> Current Annoyance: Knowing I have to use month wash soon. ---> Current Smell: None ---> Current thing you ought to be doing: Sleeping ---> Current Desktop Picture: VNV Nation ---> Current Favorite Groups: Apoptygma Bezerk ---> Current Book: Prozac Nation, The Dragon and the Angel ---> Current VHS in player: The Dolls ---> Current Worry: Ashley ---> Current Crush: not going here hurt me

[03 Feb 2003|09:21am] [ mood | aggravated ] I wish I was tired. I need love, some body come give me some love. Heh. I have too much shit to do today.. gotta go to the post office, the bank, lows, the studio, come home gloss my tv stand, prime my night stand.. and maybe paint it. Yes I'm painting all my shit in my room black. No, it's not to be a trendy goth girl. Because I'm not. I just LOVE the way black looks on dark purple. And my bed room walls are dark dark purple. I painted my tv stand, now I have my night stand, my desk, and my dresser. And I'll be set! WOOT WOOT! As you all know. I got my lip pierced. Well.. Kimmy.. the chick that pierced said the stud was too small. That if my lip swelled the slightest I was gonna need to come back and have it replaced. Well.. my lip has swelled maybe two or three cenimeters. And now the back of the stud is digging hard core into my lip.. and little pieces of see through lip flesh is slowly starting to grow over it [I can push the flesh back with my tongue, as of now.] They better not make me pay for a replacement. They knew damn well that this wasn't going to fit my fat ass bottom lip. The only reason she didn't put a longer one in there.. is because she didn't realize the size of my lip until she had stuck the needle through it. And if she would have gone to get another stud and cleaned it and shit.. by the time she was done.. the lube on the needle would have been dried and that would have been really messy and painful! It's not right if I have to pay 25 dollars for another lip ring. I need a fucking new nose ring. Since I can't get a job anyway. I'm taking this itty bitty tiny whiny stud out of my nose and putting a slightly bigger one there. This silver stud looks like the size of one of my small zits. I don't get those big massive zits. Actually.. my zits don't come out of my face. They're little red marks under my skin. I have like see through flesh and shit. MAKE UP! Gonna go take a shower now. Somebody gemme some love! Hollow 3 ##s| hurt me

[31 Jan 2003|01:10am] [ mood | ecstatic ] Lets see what I did today.. I woke up at six fifteen in the morning and slithered around the house till three pm when Crissy came home. I got dressed and we went off to wawas.. where I bought a carton of cigarettes. Then I went to the bank where I cashed a check and withdrew 70 bucks. I then went to my studio and got my lip pierced.. WOOT WOOT WOOT! There's a metal stud sticking out of the center of my lip. I love it. I tipped Kimmy.. the piercer. And Crissy and I went to blockbuster to rent a DVD.. we got the banger sisters. Got home.. waited for my mother to get home with my nice DVD player. Spent an hour watching Crissy attempt to nigger rig it. It didn't work. Then the phone rang. I yelled at my mother that it was more then likely Ashley, I had called her before. She said hello and then didn't say anything for a little while. Then screamed out "it's keith, from jail". I went to the phone and pressed the "one" button to accept the call. We talked for awhile. I was right, the first child isn't his. And I'm betting money that the second isn't either. Him and her aren't together. He's back in jail for six months. He hasn't talked to anybody in 32 days.. that's why he called. He begged me to write him. I took down the address.. I'll write him tomorrow. Then we went to walmart to get a DVD adapter thingy. We got home.. watched the movie. Now I'm going to bed. I adore my lip ring. I have to go wash the outside with soap and wash the inside with mouth wash now -gag-.. I fucking LOATHE mouth wash. 2 ##s| hurt me

[30 Jan 2003|08:16am] [ mood | happy ] [[ Birthday ]]- Jan 30th 1985 [[ Age ]] - Eighteen [[ Astrological sign? ]] Aquarius [[ Location ]] - Virginia [[ Sexual Preference ]] - Straight.... bi when Ashley is around --.-- [[ Marital Status ]] - Single as single gets [doesn't bother me] [[ Current Hair color ]] - Dirty blond with black tips. [[ Eyecolor ]] - Dark green [[ Parents still together? ]] - Nada [[ Pets? ]] - My Kittie named Cookie [[ In school/graduated? ]] - Neither [[ What do you do for work? ]] - Not a damn thing. [[How much do you make? ]] - N/A Preferences [[ Black and White/Color ]] - Color [[ Black/White ]] - Black [[ Red/Blue ]] - Blue [[ Dogs/Cats ]] - Cats [[ Roses/Daisies ]] - Roses [[ Hair: Short/Long ]] - Long [[ Boots/Shoes ]] - Boots [[ Dark/Light ]] - Dark [[ Day/Night ]] - Day [[ City/Country ]] - Suburbs Favorites [[ Color ]] - Purple [[ Animal ]] - Naked mexican rat. [[ Soda ]] - Coke [[ Food ]] - Mac n Cheese [[ Bands ]] - A lot. Right now.. Apoptygma Berzerk. [[ Movie ]] - The Shinning, Session 9. [[ Extracurricular Activity ]] - N/A [[ Have tattoos? ]] - Nope, but I can get them now. [[ Piercings? ]] - Twelve in my ears.. one zero gauge and one two gauge. I'm getting my lip done in a few hours. [[ Have a boyfriend/girlfriend ]] Nada Have you... [[ Stolen anything? ]] - Yes [[ Smoked? ]] - Mhm [[ Pot? ]] - Not anymore [[ Crack? ]] - Nada [[ Drank? ]] - Not anymore [[ Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name? ]] - Yes [[ Considered being a hooker? ] - Don't ask... heh. [[ Maybe a pimp? ]] - No [[ Cheated on someone? ]] - Once, but that doesn't count. [[ Been married? ]] - Nada [[ Been divorced? ]] - Nada [[ Are you psycho? ]] - A truely insane person isn't aware that they're insane. So.. no. [[ Split personalities? ]] - No [[ Schizophrenic? ]] - Not yet, runs in my family. [[ Obsessive? ]] - Not really. [[ Compulsive? ]] - Sometimes. [[ Obsessive Compulsive? ]] - eh [[ Anxiety? ]] - Yusum [[ Depressed? ]] - Yusum [[ Suicidal? ]] - No [[ Homicidal? ]] - No HAVE YOU EVER... *Kissed someone of the same sex: Yes *Been in love: I believe so *Been so drunk you blacked out: Yes *Cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend?: Once! *Kept a secret from everyone: Yes *Set a body part on fire: My nails *Had an imaginary friend: No *Called or seen a psychic: Yes *Ever cried at a chick flick: Yes! *Had a crush on a teacher: No *Found a cartoon character attractive: Yes *Ever at anytime owned a New Kids on the block tape: Before my time. *Prank called someone: Yeah DO YOU... *Wear eye shadow: Sometimes. *Have a dog: Nope *Want a tattoo: Maybe *Have any regrets: Don't we all? *Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Nada *Have a crush on someone: Nope *Do you have a best friend: Yusum *Who do you go to for advice: Depends. *Who knows all your secrets?: Crissy, I guess. *Who do you cry with: Depends. DO YOU BELIEVE IN... *God/Devil: I dunno. *Yourself: Sometimes. *Your friends: Yes *Aliens: Sometimes. *Love: Yes. *The Closet Monster: No *Soulmates?: Yes RANDOM QUESTIONS: [what are you wearing] - A black silk night gown [ohh sexxxie] [where do you buy your clothes] - Where ever [what are you listening too] - Aerosmith - hole in my soul. [where do you wish you were right now] - In Canada.. so I could go to a bar. -Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally charged. You definitely love the person you're with, and always want to know how they're feeling so you can make sure they're happy. What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? brought to you by Quizilla hurt me

[30 Jan 2003|07:38am] [ mood | happy ] Stupid songs stuck in my head! It's my birthday! -meeps- I'm now eighteen years old. My mother has sent me on my first cigarette run. When Crissy gets off work. I have to go buy a cartoon of cigarettes. After that.. I'm cashing my birthday check from my father.. and withdrawing 65 dollars for my lip piercing! WOOT! WOOT! I'm going to my studio tonight and getting a needle stabbed through the center of my lip. Watch it look like shit .. ha. Well.. happy birthday to me. I'm also getting my DVD player from my mommie tonight, as a gift. WOOT. Next week Crissy is taking me to a drag show.. for my birthday.. heh. She doesn't get paid this week.. that's why we'll waiting till next week. Oh yeah, she moved back in with me. Hollow 2 ##s| hurt me

[28 Jan 2003|09:20am] [ mood | human ] Everything is kinda blah right now. I don't have a need. Yanno. I don't need much of anything. I don't need a person [other then crissy, but that's different]. I don't wait by the phone to hear a certain voice [or anybodys voice for that matter]. I don't stay awake till all hours sitting boredly in front of my computer staring at that stupid AIM buddy list. Waiting for a certain person [again, or anybody for that matter]. In the above when I say "certain person" I'm not talking about anybody. It's not as if I miss anybody. I don't miss a damn thing. There's no love interest in my life. No wanting for another human being in a romantic sense. It's not as if I've given up on the whole idea of love. That isn't the case. I still hope to grasp it one day. But it seems as if I'm alright right now without it. And that's freaky for me. I always have to have a person. Somebody to hold onto. Somebody to feed off of. I've noticed I'm not really that way anymore. I don't start drama with people I know. I don't really start it with strangers. And my guard is down. Which may or may not be a good thing. Nobody makes me feel like shit anymore......... other then this weekend. And I say FUCK THAT! I went to my sisters this [past] weekend in order to spend time with my mother. I miss being around her. I was going to go to a concert this [past] weekend with Crissy. But I thought it would be better to go see my sister and spend time with my mother. Was I wrong or what? Her husband, Todd, my brother in law. I've known since.. well.. as far back as I can remember. My sister started dating him when I was one or two. And they've been together since. He's mean, and he's rude. He's 35 with the mentality of a 13 year old boy. I've always been able to deal with him. I've always been able to shrug him off. But this weekend. I couldn't. He got on me about my weight, my fat ass actually. And that really didn't bother me. I didn't say anything to him about it. I ignored him. It somewhat irked me.. but I'm aware of what I look like. And personally, I don't give a damn. But then he started getting on me about not having my GED. He started calling me a loser and what not. Sunday.. before my mother and I left. Todd, Chris [my nephew] and I were sitting in the living room watching some TV show about a boy with down syndrome.. and how he was making it through high school. They were teaching him how to clean buses. Todd started in on me about how this boy was better then me. How I could never be good enough to clean.. buses. I didn't say anything. I didn't look at him. But it was starting to bother me. Then.. my twelve year old.. nephew started. I wasn't mad at him. He didn't know what he was doing. He was following his father, trying to act like him.. in order to make his father like him. But fuck it hurt. It hurt like a bitch. Finally Todd said something else. I calmly turned to him and said "Fucking shut up, please". He said "fucking get out of my house." So I stood up and calmly walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My mother followed. And for some reason I started to cry. Not about Todd, but that my twelve year old nephew was going to be like him. A total life wasted. My mother then went inside and told Chris he had hurt my feelings. By this time I had gotten in my mothers car and was ready to leave. Chris came outside and unlocked the doors. I locked them. Again, I wasn't mad at him. I just didn't want him to see my cry. He finally got into the mini van and told me he was sorry. Then he didn't know he had hurt my feelings. And that he promised he wasn't going to be like his dad anymore. He told me he didn't like his dad, he only liked being around him when he was nice... which wasn't very often. I kissed his forehead told him it was okay, that I wasn't mad at him.. And he left. I didn't go inside and tell my sister.. or my baby nephew Ryan [five years old] goodbye. I left. I don't want to go back up there. I'll be eighteen in two days. I'm old enough to know what and who I need and don't need in my life. And Todd is one of those people. And Sharon doesn't stand up for me. It kills me to think that there are two children in there. It's a waste of two lives. I want to see them grow up. But I have to look out for myself. I can't be eaten alive everytime I want to see my family. My gaurd was down. And Todd walked all over me. I'm not the same person I use to be. Crissy screamed at me yesterday over having to walk inside and pay for our food. She didn't want to. I didn't scream back. I handed her the money offered what I'm sure looked like a hurt smile.. and went to get in the car. I don't scream back that much anymore. It hurts.. to be treated like shit.. or yelled at.. in a way he didn't hurt before. Am I becoming soft.. or just.. more human? Hollow hurt me

[28 Jan 2003|12:20am] [ mood | amused ] It humored me. I know it's not mature. But I was in a corky mood. And if you call me white trash or a cracker.. imma throw in some racist slurrs of my own. I'm not racist. But I can be if pushed. HA... Shyronp: u like blk malez Miss HolIow: nope Shyronp: y Miss HolIow: Just don't. Shyronp: u dick sucking wht trash Miss HolIow: go back to picking cotton. Shyronp: u bicth Miss HolIow: nigger hurt me

BAM! [24 Jan 2003|03:10am] [ mood | pleased ] The following was a post in a message board. Dude man said it all for me. ------------------------------------------------------------------ I read a translated paraphrase of an interesting article written in Russia which asked why America is focusing on Saddam when we still haven't caught Osama. The article suggests that it would be impossible for any president/government to find Osama (I personally think he's in Saudi Arabia). The article guesses that advisors led Bush to change the dialogue from Osama/Taliban to Saddam/Iraq simply because it's a battle we definitely can win and an undesireable leader we can bring down. Without the Iraq victory, Bush might have thought next year - an election year - would have been filled with attacks on his terror war and why he didn't nab Osama. With Saddam ousted, he can point to this - calling it a greater threat - as the reason and his victory. hurt me

[18 Jan 2003|01:03am] [ mood | angry ] I just read a journal entrie written by a friend of mine about 9/11. It wasn't really about the attack.. but how certain students in her school responded to seeing an old video of the attack. Anyway I've noticed that I haven't really written much about my feelings towards the government and how America is dealing with this. So here we go! 1] Terrorism can't be stopped. It's just like the war on drugs. You take out the big man. There's just another guy standing in line behind him waiting to take his place. 2] It's not a war on terrorism anymore. It's about controling other countries in a weak attempt to protect ourselves. 3] Mister Bush SUCKS. I don't dislike him as a human being. I don't think he should be the leader of our country. I'm not for Mister Bush's war. I'm not for any kind of war. But I'm REALLY against Mister Bush's war. He responded the way most Americans would. But he isn't most Americans.. he's the LEADER of America. He can't just act. He has to think about the long term damage. He has to think of the consequences of his actions. I wake up.. and I push the zero and two button on my tv control... CNN. I watch the news. I read the news bar. I listen. I can somewhat understand what he's doing. But fuck.. it looks as if he's attempting to tell other people how to run their countries. That in it's self is an act of war on his part. The basic act of war. Attempting to rule over another country. I'm sure they didn't throw planes into our buildings because they just don't like us very much. We had to have done something. Said something. SOMETHING. Something the public isn't being told. I'm not against America. I enjoy living here. I enjoy my freedom and my way of life. Hence the reason I don't like Mister Bush. He's putting everything I hold dear to my heart jeopardy. Hollow 2 ##s| hurt me

[12 Jan 2003|12:15pm] [ mood | bored ] Friday evening I went to go pick up my car. After had gotten my car, my plans were to run over to Crissys and hang out for awhile. I invited Ashley. And Blake wanted to go. So I picked him up too. Well we all went over to the trailer. Crissy wanted me there because her ex boy friend Jamie was going to be there and for some reason she thought I was going to stop her from making a mistake. She used my computer to beg and plead with him to spend the night friday. I didn't stop her from making that mistake. I didn't even try. Anyway. Jamie is horribly ugly. And annoys everybody he's around. I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. Jamie has also admitted to messing around in a sexual sense with guys. Which doesn't bother me. But does sorta bother the other guys at the trailer. As long as he doesn't hit on them, his face will stay in one [ugly] piece. Blake looks gay. And he took off his boots. Which made him look even more homo. He's four foot eleven with out his boots. He's five foot six with them. Here's what went down. --------------------------------------------------------------- Jamie had been drinking. And you're real sexuality comes out when you're drunk and can't control yourself. First Jamie asked if he could spank.. Blake. This frightened Blake. An hour or two later. He said he wanted to show Blake his "french fry". This horrified Blake.. [at some point Blake got in my lap and Jamie gave me a dirty look] Alright. Here's the biggie. Blake curled up in the corner of the love seat. Ashley was beside him and I was on the other side of Ashley. Jamie was across the room on the huge couch sitting beside Crissy. Blake fell asleep Jamie got up and put his fingers over his own lips and said "shh". He made his way over to Blake. At this point me and Ashley froze. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. I wasn't sure how Blake was going to respond to whatever Jamie was getting ready to do to him. Jamie stood behind/beside the sleeping Blake. He leaned over him.. put his eyes to his. This is where Crissy said something like "Jamie, leave him alone". And Blake opened his eyes.. and saw Jamie. Blake didn't move. Jamie then.... kissed.. Blake............................... I wanted to laugh, but at the same time my motherly insticts kicked in and I wanted to attack the 25 year old ugly fucker that had just molested the poor sixteen year old four foot eleven Blake. We left soon after. If Jamie had done that to any of the other guys in the trailor. He would be dead right now. And Crissy stills wants Jamie back!!!!!!!! What the fuck. He's GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! He had a choice between Crissy or Blake, female or male, and he picked Blake.. the male! He's piss ugly. I could understand her wanting to date him if he had a great personality. But he doesn't. His personality is worse then his looks! He pissed everybody off Friday when he was drunk. And Saturday when he was sober! He answered other peoples cell phones, he picked up children after he was told by their mother.. NOT TO PICK THEM UP. On that note. April has the most BEAUTIFUL baby boy I've ever seen in my life. He's nine months and he's flawless. And he's not all cryie. He acts as if he's stoned, which he more then likely is. Seeing as how much weed Apirl smoked while she was preggie. But he's beautiful. Hollow hurt me

[07 Jan 2003|10:32am] [ mood | calm ] Below are photos I just now took. I'm not wearing any lip or eye make up. And I have on a very little skin make up. I'm having a good hair day.. so there's no fake shit in my hair.. just woke up and brushed it. You can also see my real hair color. It's a little lighter in real life then it is in the pictures below. These are to show what I really look like. There aren't any real camera tricks. Look at them and compare them to this pictures. --------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- Don't tell me I'm ugly. I'm perfectly aware of what I look like. 3 ##s| hurt me

[07 Jan 2003|09:23am] [ mood | artistic ] I had to explain my grouping slang to my mother. So.. I'll explain it here too. When I say "My Kids".. I mean Ashley and her friends. They're all younger then me. And I tend to feel like the big sister / parent when I'm around a group of them. Not a bad thing. Therefore I call them my kids. When I say "The Boys".. I mean.. the boys that are always at the trailer. Brandon, Danny, Kyle, Kenneth, Mike, Joey.. etc. There, are we straight now? Okay.. lets update ----------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday was interesting. I didn't sleep at all. I went to lay down and take a nap at seven AM and Crissys mother called asking if I had a number to contact her. I have Chrissys cell phone number.. on my cell phone. But my battery was dead and I couldn't find my charger. I wasn't about to go outside in the freezing cold.. start my car.. plug my cell phone into my car charger and give Crissys mom Chrissys number. So I found what I thought was Dannys cell phone number and gave it to her. I found out I had mixed two of the digits up. Heh. At ten thirty my mother told me to go get dressed. I knew we had to leave around twelve PM to get to my S.S. appointment. I didn't know why she was asking me to get dressed already. She wanted to take me to get my hair trimmed. We went to the mall and I got my hair trimmed.. sorta. I let the lady talk me into getting my tips layered. Kinda like long layers. Can't really tell the difference. My mother got her hair trimmed too. We then drove all over the fucking place. I didn't get home till five PM.. Good thing though.. I got a new purse with x-mas money from my sister. ROCK. I got home and Crissy had called my cell phone three times. And the house two times. I called her and went over to the trailer. Then we all went to the bowling hall. I don't bowl. Everybody played but me.. all the boys and what not. I left with Danny and Kenneth around eight so he could go pick up Chrissys kids from Shaubas moms place. I then drove home and passed the fuck out. I woke up at around seven fifteen this morning. I have a therapy appointment at one. Rock? I think I may go do my make up and take new pictures. Hollow hurt me

[07 Jan 2003|09:18am] [ mood | artistic ] I'd like to thank ijustdied for hosting me at www.intothefake.com until I get back on my feet. Thanks so much. You're a beautiful sweet heart. 3 ##s| hurt me

[03 Jan 2003|07:23pm] [ mood | pissed off ] DOES ANYBODY HAVE A FUCKING WEB SITE.. THAT THEY'RE USING FOR HOSTING?! I haven't been on a public web site in two years. I can't use things like anglefire.com or geocities.com .. Because they have onsite banners. I have at least SEVEN different web pages put into one [framing].. on my new lay out. That means SEVEN different onsite banners. It'll throw my site out of wack and make it look god awful. And crosswinds.net won't fucking work for me. I NEED A FUCKING HOST, DAMN IT! But in order to get a private host I have to have a web site up and running [my old one shut down].. so I have to put that web site on a public host! I'm five seconds away from finding the owner of crosswinds.net and killing him.. in a rather cruel way. 3 ##s| hurt me

Mud - No pants - Cops [01 Jan 2003|06:21am] [ mood | amused ] My new years was fun I guess. I went over to the trailer.. with Ashley. But Danny got his boxers in a bunch and said I had to take her home because she's underage. I didn't say anything. I know damn good and well he knows my age. For twenty nine more days I'm underage! I took her home.. returned to the trailer. I watched everybody but Crissy get drunk, went with Crissy to take April home. Watched random people I've met come and go through out the night. I played cards, watched the ball drop. At around four in the morning I was leaving. And if you know me in person you know all my pants are too long for me. And I hate having the bottom of my pants wet or muddy. It had been raining all night. It stopped for awhile as I was leaving. Dannys front yard is all mud. I was walking down the almost broken front porch and went to make a wide step to the right so I wouldn't step in mud. There usually isn't any mud there. I stepped in mud. I slipped.. caught myself.. landed on my hands and knees and flopped down on my ass. I'm sitting in the front yard laughing to death. Crissy, Joey, and Brandon are in a car in the drive way. It takes them a little while to see me. Crissy starts laughing and asks if I'm okay. I say yes and they leave. I stand up and stumble to my car. I have mud and stuff on my ass so I'm not about to sit down on my leather car seats. I take my pants off, in the drive way.. and get in the car and I'm on my way. I run into a check point.. I shake my head as the cop is flagging me down. He asks to see my ID.. I give it to him and he looks down at my legs and says "where are your pants?"... I say "In the back seat"... he looks at me funny.. and I sigh and say "I slipped and fell in mud on my way to my car.. and I had to take my pants off.. Don't ask me to explain anymore".. He laughs and I'm off on my way.. BLAH Bo e mailed me back.. yesterday. I just got the e mail today. In part of it he said.. "To be honest for some odd reason I've been missing you a lot recently ::wry chuckling:: actually wish I was there and not here sometimes, silly me, you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore." I loathe the male sex. He needs an ego lifter.. and we all know I'll give him one. -growl- Hollow hurt me

LOOK AT THE MOTHER FUCKING MOON! [27 Dec 2002|01:43am] [ mood | scared ] Please god please.... Somebody, anybody go look at the moon. Please.. tell me somebody other then Ashley, her boy friend, and I have noticed this. The moon. Is a fucking bowl. You may not understand how I mean that. By todays cycle.. the moon should be.. a half moon [a sideways bowl]. The moon shades like |.......... it shades fucking up and down. Tonight and last night.. it's been shading like this _. Side to side.. it's a fucking BOWL SITTING ON IT'S DAMN FUCKING BOTTOM. Somebody, please, anybody explain this to me. The moon is also seven or six hours off in time. At one AM the moon is saying it's it's around six PM ish. This is gonna push me to the edge. This is going to be what shoves me through the mental wards locked doors. I know I sound insane. Hollow 2 ##s| hurt me

[24 Dec 2002|09:04am] [ mood | groggy ] The old dude that hit on me that also happens to work with my mother wrote me back this morning. He's not bothered by this. He wants me to say hello to my mother for him. And he still wants to meet me at some diner or book store. How freaking creepy is this? I am so not writing him back. Hollow 2 ##s| hurt me

[24 Dec 2002|08:47am] [ mood | bored ] Stolen from a very sexxxie girl on my friends list and I can not remember her name or user name and I'm too lazy to find it. Rock on sexxxie girl! APPEARANCE - hair: long. half black half dirty blond. - eyes: dark green - height: 5'6 - weight: a lot - figure: a blob with boobs STYLE - clothing: jeans, fishnet shirt, shortsleeve shirt, vans. - music: industrial, 90s alternative. - makeup: always foundation. - body art: no tattoos. twelve earrings.. two two gauges.. a nose ring and I'm getting my industrial and labret done as soon as I get the money. RIGHT NOW - Wearing: Some funky design silk pj pants, black wife beater, black silk underwear. - music: none. though I'm getting ready to go to y101rocks.com and turn the radio on. - thinking of: i wish somebody would wake the fuck up. - feeling: bored LAST THING YOU... - bought: coffee - did: smoked a cigarette - read: I'm reading angel and the dragon - watched on tv: pet cops? something my sister was watching on animal planet. EITHER / OR - club or houseparty: house party. - tea or coffee: Coffee - high achiever or easy-going: Both - cats or dogs: Cats and cat sized dogs. - single or taken: Single - pen or pencil: Pen. - gloves or mittens: Gloves - food or candy: Both - cassette or cd: CD - snuff or cigarettes: Cigarettes - coke or pepsi: Dr. Pepper. - matches or a lighter: Lighter - sunset beach or the bold and the beautiful: N/A - rickie lake or oprah winfrey: Oprah WHO DO YOU WANT TO... - kill: Could take all day to write out this list again. - hear from: My father tickle: My nephew Ryan - look like: Me, but thinner - be like: Me but nicer. FAVORITE - food: Cheese, mushrooms [the food!] - drink: dr. pepper - color: Purple and black - album: None really - site: none really. - song: None - vegetable: string beans [french style] - fruit: Kiwi - last movie you saw: "what dreams may come" - last movie you saw on the big screen: That mother in jail movie...? - last phone number you called: My mothers cell phone - last show you watched on TV: Pet Cops? - last song you heard: I have no idea - last thing you had to drink: Dr. Pepper - last thing you ate: Cheese its - last time you showered: last night - last time you cried: Night before last. - last time you smiled: Last night when Ryan climbed ontop of me and watched TV. - last time you laughed: Last night. - last person you hugged: Ryan - last person you kissed: I have no idea - last thing you said: "Sorry?" - last person you talked to online: Some old fucker - last person you talked to on the phone: Crissy - last thing you smelled: Dr. Pepper Do you... - smoke: Yes - do drugs: No - drink: No - sleep with stuffed animals: Sometimes - have a crush: No - have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Nada - have a dream that keeps coming back: Yes - play an instrument: Nope - believe there is life on other planets: Makes sense. - read the newspaper: Online - have any gay or lesbian friends: Yuppers - believe in miracles: Sometimes - believe it's possible to remain faithful forever: For a female, yes. For a male, no. - consider yourself tolerant of others: Usually.... unless the REALLY start to urk me. - consider police a friend or foe: Depends on what there're being used for. - like the taste of alcohol: Beer.. yeah. - have a favorite Stooge: Nada - believe in astrology: Rarely - believe in magic: Not completely - pray: If I think I'm going to die. - go to church: When I feel I need to [once a year] - have any secrets: Everybody does - have any pets: A kitty - go to or plan to go to college: In my 40s.... -smirks- - have a degree: Nope - talk to strangers who instant message you: Yussums - wear hats: I do not have a hat head, no. - have any piercings: ears twelve times two two gauges, and my nose. - have any tattoos: Nope - hate yourself: Not completely - have a "hot spot": Yus - wish on stars: Yus - like your handwriting: NO - believe in witches: Sometimes - believe in Satan: Sometimes - believe in ghosts: Sometimes - trust others easily: Really hard to explain - like sarcasm: Depends on where it's coming from. - take walks in the rain: Yes - kiss with your eyes closed: Yus - sing in the shower: And I dance too hurt me

Small fucking world...... HA [23 Dec 2002|05:07pm] [ mood | amused ] I have an old yahoo personals ad floating around somewhere. And for some reason I signed on yahoo messanger and it told me I had a personals reply. I then read it. It was from a 49 year old married man. I ignore it. He wrote again, the next day pleading for me to talk to him. Nothing sexual. So I responded and gave him my yahoo e mail address. He wrote me today. I was reading over the e mail and I happened to glance at his e mail address. I couldn't really read it so I copied and pasted it to me AOL and changed the size from a 1.5 to an 8. It said unos.org. My mother works at unos.. there are only two unos buildings in the whole fucking world. Both in chesterfield.. about two miles away from one another. I then called my mother. And asked if she knew a guy named Gray, I couldn't say his last name and in the middle of trying. She said it. I then started laughing and said this man was hitting on me. She said he must have been playing around because he's married. I said wanting to take naked pictures of me isn't playing around. She didn't know what to say. At this point I am almost on the floor laughing. Here's what I wrote back to him. Gray, I had to make a phone call before I responded to your e mail. I rarely if ever look at e mail address. But for some reason I looked at yours. I couldn't really read it because the font was so tiny. But I thought I knew what it said. So I changed the font size. I was right, it said unos.org. The call I made was to my mother. Debra... well, you know her as Debbie. Debbie Brown. Yes, she works with you. Human Resorces.. in boulders [well soon to be down town richmond]. Hello. I'm Sandra Kay Brown. Debbies youngest daughter... HA.. this humors the fuck out of me. Not only are you married and old enough to be my parent, you also happened to work with my mother. Whoo... tiny world. ~Hollow 1 ##| hurt me

[22 Dec 2002|01:47am] [ mood | aggravated ] I know it's been awhile.. and a lot has happened... but this is all you get .[ SERIES 1 - YOU ]. --Name: Hollow --Birthday: Jan 30th 85 --Birthplace: D.C. --Current Location: Richmond Va. --Eye Colour: Green --Hair Colour: Dirty Blond --Righty or Lefty: Righty --Zodiac Sign: Aquarius --Innie or Outtie: Innie --Religion: Programmed Catholic, usually... don't care. --Font: Arial Narrow .[ SERIES 2 - YOUR FAVOURITE ]. --Music: Industrial, 90s alternative. --Cartoon: Any really. --Colour: Purple and black. --Slushy Flavor: Cherry --Magazine: I dunno --TV Show: Six Feet Under --Song: A lot --Language: English --Spice Girl: None --Food & Beverage: Cheese.. Dr. Pepper --Subject in School: English, History --Weekend Activity: Hanging out with friends playing cards. --Ice Cream Flavor: I dunno --Roller Coaster: Dunno .[ SERIES 3 - WHAT IS ]. --Your most overused phrase on aol: "boredom leads to spontaneous combustion" "heh" "mhm" "ROCK" --The last image/thought you go to sleep with: Horribly depressive day dreams... like funerals.. broken familys.. losing a child to suicide..... Normally.. the last thing I read in one of my books before I turned the light off. --The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Shoulders, back, face, hair, hips. --The wussiest sport: Anything that isn't boxing. --Your best feature: Eyes, nails. --Your bedtime: Whenever --Your greatest fear: Death, cancer, afterlife --Your greatest accomplishment: Stopping a few people from killing themselves. --Your most missed memory: Has to do with an old old [years ago] relationship. .[ SERIES 4 - YOU PREFER? ]. --Pepsi or coke: Coke --McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds. --Single or group dates: Group --Adidas or nike: Vans --Chicken nuggets or chicken fingers: Nuggets --Dogs or cats: Cats --Rugrats or doug: Rugrats --Single or taken: Depends on the moment. --Monica or Brandy: Neither --Tupac or Jay-Z: Neither --Shania Twain or LeAnn Rhymes: Neither --AeroSmith or Red Hot Chilli Peppers: Aerosmith --Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea --One pillow or two: more then two --Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate --Hot chocolate or hot cocoa: Cocoa. --Cappucino or coffee: WaWas cappucino --Drinks with or without ice cubes: Without --Boxers or briefs: Boxers --Give or receive: Both .[ SERIES 5 - DO YOU ]. --Take a shower everyday? No --Have a crush? Nope --Do you think you've been in love? A childish naive love, yes. --Want to go to college? Sometime in my mid 40s... heh. --Like high school? Nope --Want to get married? Yes. --Type with your fingers on the right keys? No --Believe in yourself? No --Have any tattoos/where? No --Have any piercings/where? Twelve in my ears.. two two gauges.. and one in my nose. --Get motion sickness? Only in the far far back of a mini van. --Think you're a health freak? I'm dying, no. --Get along with your parent(s)? My mother... sometimes. --Like thunderstorms? Yes .[ SERIES 6 - THE FUTURE ]. --Age you hope to be married: 26 --Number and Names of Children: two, daughters, mizery, and gweniver --Where do you see yourself at age 20? Dying in a hospital? --Descibe your Dream Wedding: Catholic .[ SERIES 7 - OPPOSITE SEX]. --Best eye colour? Green. --Best hair colour? Dark --Short or long hair? Long --Best height? 5'10 --Best weight? 140 --Best articles of clothing? fishnet shirt. --Best first date location? Diner --Best first kiss location? Stop light .[ SERIES 8 - OTHER ]. --When's the last time you slept with a stuffed animal? Couple nights ago. --How many rings untill you answer the phone? However long it takes me to run across the living room without twisting my ankle. Or however long it takes me to dig my cell out of the bottom of my bag.. --What's on your mouse pad? A garden and it syas "we can do no great things, only small things with great love"- Mother Teresa... it was from my Aunt Jackie, so shut up! --How many houses have you lived in? erm.. lets see.. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..... six... no.. wait... 7, 8, 9..... nine.. it was nine. --How many schools have you gone to? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... five.... --What colour is your bedroom carpet? dark gray --Would you shave your head for $5000 dollars? ............ if you gave me a wig too! --If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only take three things with you what would you take? 1) The angel and the dragon [a book, about a true story.. from a fathers point of view about his sons mental illnesses and his suicide] 2) Prozac Nation [a book.. about a woman who grew up young and depressed before they had a name for it.. or prozac] 3) Crissy, and she'd bring the cigarettes, and very fucking thing else. hurt me

[11 Dec 2002|10:26am] [ mood | accomplished ] Alright, lets go into my "appointments"! Tomorrow.. Good Year at 10:30 AM Tomorrow.. Buxton walk in at 1:00 PM - 3:00PM. There by 12:30 Monday.. Pat at 1:00 PM Tuesday.. Social Sercurity Office at 10:15 AM Wednesday.. Cress at 10:00 AM I still have to make an appointment with my OBGYN. Mind you be only the Social Sercurity Office and Good Year are on the same side of town. Buxton is twenty five minutes away Pat is an hour away Cress is 45 minutes away... all in different directions. Hollow 2 ##s| hurt me

[11 Dec 2002|04:40am] [ mood | scared ] I loathe waking up so confused and horrified. Two weeks ago I woke up and swore I was dead. Before I went to sleep I had had a panic attack about my cervix cancer problem.. and had convinced myself that I was already dead. God I am insane, aren't I? I called my OBGYN today.. to talk to her about knocking me out in order to have my cervix biopsy done. She's calling me back either late tonight or tomorrow. I don't know if I can be put to sleep. And that fear is my mothers fault. She's never allowed me to be put to sleep for anything because she's horrified I'll never wake up. It's all she talks about before she's put to sleep... "what if I don't wake up?" So this fear.. is actually casued by something. Yes I understand. I have too many fears. I'm horrified of everything. I have too many locks on all my doors. I check my car before I get in and lock the doors after getting in. If I'm driving through petersburg. I will turn my music off [ghetto town]. I have a phobia of surgerical gloves. I have anexity attacks when people attempt to give me a pap smear or swab my throat. I talk myself into believing I have the worst deadly diseases. But I know the difference between talking myself into thinking I have something. And knowing there's something wrong with my body. I knew there was something wrong. That's why I had all those tests done a few months ago. I prayed to whomever would listen to give me any STD but AIDs. I forgot to say anything but pre cancer cells and AIDs. There's something else wrong. I'm getting shocks of pain in my... private parts. I don't know if it's a new problem or if my HPV is getting worse. From my understanding HPV/Cervix cancer pains are lower stomach pains. These shocks of pain are lower then that. If that rapist bastard gave me something I will hunt him down and kill him. I wanted to be one of the luck ones. To live till my late 90s and die of natural causes. Not die of cancer at eighteen. Hollow 1 ##| hurt me

Start throwing rocks, alright? [11 Dec 2002|04:10am] [ mood | thoughtful ] I know the following may sound cruel. But I can't control how I feel about a certain subject. --------------------------------------------------------------- You know how they've spent years attempting to find a cure for HIV/AIDs. Why don't they just kill it? We killed the black plague. It's not that hard, yanno. It may be a little cruel. But you have to look at the safety of the masses. Not the comfort of the few. Quarantine People have attempted to get the right to quarantine HIV / AIDs. But it's always been turned down. It's a deadly disease. And it's just going to get worse and worse as time goes by. Get rid of it! I'm not saying throw them all in an underground basement where they aren't allowed to see the light of day. I understand it would be hard to quarantine it because there are so many people with it. But.. it's worth a shot. They're gonna die anyways. Make them as comfortable as possible.. but the out come is still the same. Why allow them to pass on this deadly virus to others? I know, I'm not looking at infected people as human beings. I'm looking at them as a threat. A deadly threat. And that's just how I see it. TIE ME TO THE STAKE AND START THROWING ROCKS Hollow 2 ##s| hurt me

[09 Dec 2002|02:10pm] [ mood | tired ] 1. What time is it?? 1:13 PM 2. Nickname(s): Kay, Hollow 3. Dog or Cat person:? Cat 4. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake: None 5. Where would you live if you could live anywhere? London, NYC, LA 6. Regular or decaf? Regular and irish creame' 7. Pets? Cat 8. Eye color? Beautiful dark green. 9. Hair color? Half blonde, half black, with two inches of redish purple in the middle. 10. Piercings? Twelve in my ears.. two 2 gauges. And my nostrial. 11. Tattoos?? No 12. How much do you love your job? Have to have one in order to love it or hate it. 13. Favorite color? Black, purple, orange. 14. Hometown? Washington D.C. / Laurel Maryland. 15. Current residence? Richmond Va. 16. Been to Africa? No, never plan on it either. 17. Been toilet papering? No 18. Loved somebody so much it made you cry? Yes 19. Been in a car accident? Yes 20. Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons 21. Sprite or 7-Up? Seven Up 22. Favorite movie :?? Shinning, Nightmare before Christmas, Session 9.. etc... 23. Favorite television show: umm.. Carol Bernett? 24. Favorite holiday? None 25. Favorite day of the week? Wednesday 26. Favorite book: Prozac Nation, Kiss the Girls 27. Favorite toothpaste? whatever I find. 28. Favorite restaurant? None 29. Favorite flowers?? Blue roses. 30. Favorite drink? Dr. Pepper 31. Favorite sports to watch?? Boxing 32. Preferred type of ice cream? None. 33. Favorite food? Cheese 34. Disney or Warner Bros.? Warner Bros. 35. Favorite Fast Food Restaurant?? None. 36. When was your last hospital visit? Sept 24th 37. What is the color of your bedroom carpet? Grey 38. How many times did you fail your drivers test?? None 39. Who is the last person you got e-mail from before this? Davin 40. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?? No 41. What single store would you choose to max out your credit card? Torrid. 42. What do you most often do when you're bored?? Play gin and or spades. 43. Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away? Ryan 44. A friend you've been friends with the longest?? Alita, Ashley, Lisa, Jenipher. 45. Bedtime? Whenever I pass out. 46. Who will respond to this the quickest? No one. 47. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Everybody. What Was Your PastLife? You Should Star in Bondage Porn! Yawn! Regular sex is so boring. How can normal people even cum? What Porn Should *You* Star In? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva Your Sex Position is Doggie Style w/ Hair Pull Intense. Submissive... And just a tad bit painful. You don't mind bending over to get porked - As long as you're getting pulled and forked. What's Your Sex Position? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva hurt me

[09 Dec 2002|12:10pm] [ mood | accomplished ] I stole this from somebody on my live journal. I think it's the sixteen year old that's "in love" with somebody on the other side of the country. Maybe? Maybe not. --------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Who do you hide SI from? >> When I first started, nobody. Later on down the road.... everybody. 2. Who knows about it? >> Everybody that knows me. 3. How long has it been since you last cut?>> I'm recovering. I don't remember the last time I harmed myself. 4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before?>> I say no. The mental hospital, ER, EMTs, and cops say yes. 5. Where do you usually cut?>> Both arms.. upper and lower.. thighs.. chest.. ankles. 6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out?>> Crissy 7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut?>> With a fresh cut? Lets see. That would be my joint cut. I wasn't paying attention. And since I used those paper thin razors that'll take your arm off with the slightest pressure.. I cut deep.. real.. deep. I needed stitches.. I bled through two full towels. [not paper towels.. the kind you use to dry your body off after a shower]. With a not so fresh cut.. My worst scar, the cut got horribly infected. 8. Do you have a fascination with scabs?>> No, not really. I find them mostly annoying. 9. Do you like scars, yes or no?>> (Why/not?) I like self harm scars on other people. Call it a fetish maybe? On myself, no. I hate my body collection of scars. I don't know what I'm going to tell my children about them. 10. Do you name your razor?>> ..... no 11. What other methods of SI do you use?>> I first started with old thick razors. Then I used a pocket knife my father gave me years ago.. until it was taken by the police. Then I used my ex boy friends butterfly knife until it was taken by the police. I've been known to use glass once or twice. Then I moved to paper thin deadly double edged razor blades. 12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"?>> No, not really. But I like "self harm" better. 13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts?>> Long sleeves. I hid them underneath ace wraps when I had to use them. My legs are always covered, as is my chest. 14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars?>> For a job interview, yes. But when anywhere else no. They're there to remind me of my own stupidity. 15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing?>> I've been placed in a mental hospital twice. Never for self harm. 16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)?>> No 17. What's the best part about cutting to you?>> There is no "best part" about cutting yourself. It's all bad. It's a disorder, an addiction. Nothing good comes from it. You may feel better for a little while after having harmed yourself. But it's just like drugs. The feeling better doesn't last, and you need another fit. Plus is just gets worse and worse. 18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI (Ten Foot Pole - Late At Night excluded)?>> Yes.. 19. Have you ever been caught cutting/burning, etc?>> Yes 20. What instrument do you use to cut?>> Deadly double edged paper thin razor blades. 21. What causes you to cut?>> Usually.. anger. I use to get so angry I couldn't control myself. I still do get that way sometimes. But I'm learning to control myself. 22. What do you feel afterwards?>> Tired.. and weak. I end up sleeping afterwards. 24. How long have you been doing it?>> I cut from the age of twelve.. through seventeen. 25. Do you keep a razor in your bag?>> My ex use to call my hand bag a deadly weapon. You couldn't stick your hand inside without getting sliced up. And I use to carry a razor taped in cotton and duck tape under the sole of my vans. I don't anymore. 26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep?>> Yes 27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? Yes 28. Are your parents divorced? Yes, they've been divorced since I was seven. Has nothing to do with anything. 2 ##s| hurt me

I've got doctors coming out of my ears! [09 Dec 2002|11:35am] [ mood | anxious ] I do not enjoy calling this many doctors in one damn day. First I called my Therapist... Pats office. After pressing a few buttons I got a human voice. WOOW! She said something and all I heard was the name of a gas station. So I said "repeat that".. She laughed and I said the normal.. hello I'm Sandra Kay Brown.. I'm seeing.. etc.. etc.. etc.. etc. I found out that she had called last week and I had made an appointment with her. I'm happy I called today or I would have missed another appointment and that would have been another 90 dollars in backed payment. Then I called my shrinks office... Dr. Buxton.. I hate this man. I got an answering machine. I hate leaving a message there, they never call me back. So I didn't leave a message. I then called my HMO hot line to find out if they would cover my OBGYN putting me to sleep so I could have my shit done. I got thrown around those "press 1 if this is wrong. press 2 if this is wrong".. a few times. Then I was put on hold while she went to check. They said that if the doctor said it had to be done. Then they would cover it.. there just had to be a good reason. And she personally believed my reason was good enough. I called Dr. Buxtons office again. Same answering machine.. left a message. I'll try again later. I called my normal doctor... Dr. Cress... Got an answering machine.. I'll try again later. I then called my OBGYN.. [so can't remember her name]. I was told that she needed to speak to me. And that she would call me back as soon as she got a free moment to talk. BLAH! Hollow hurt me

[08 Dec 2002|04:44am] [ mood | amused ] [1] Crissy: My Crissy, my best friend, ex roommate [2] Chrissy: Dannys girl friend --------------------------------------------------------------- I just got home about fifteen minutes ago. It's four forty-five. I was on the net talking to a new friend of mine and Crissy called. She asked me to go over to Chrissys roommates birthday party thingy. I said I didn't want to be around strangers. She explained that basically the whole trailer crew [Brandon, Greg, Danny, Keneth, Kyle, Kat, Tayan] were gonna be there. I said alright.. lemme do my hair and get dressed and I'll be over there. It took me thirty minutes to get all the ice off my car. I finally get there and almost die going up Dannys front porch. We then head out the door for Chrissys apartment, where the party is. Well, I knew Crissy, Danny, and Keneth were riding with me. Danny, Keneth, and Kyle are brothers. Keneth just got out of jail. He's nineteen. Kyle is sixteen. And Danny is twenty one. I get in the car. Watch Keneth almost die attempting to get into the car. And I thought Danny got into the car. I turn around and it's Kyle. Weird little moment. Danny is going with Brandon. I really didn't want to be the first ones there. But we were. There were already four other girls there. Age range went from 19 - 21.. and the birthday girl was turning 38 [woo]. After us the rest get there. And we split up. It's the four girls, Chrissy, and the birthday girl. And it's the trailer crew. None of us are talking to one another. None of us want to be there.. etc. Since Chrissy doesn't smoke we have to go outside to smoke. It's about one thirty in the morning. So all of us go out onto the front porch to smoke. And the people next door opened the window and said "there's enough noise inside, stop the noise outside". So we all go inside. The person next door creeped the four girls out and they leave. About twenty minutes later I'm walking out the door because I'm bored and I want to go home. As I walk out the door I see a parked cop car with it's lights off. And I see another one pull in and circle around. I'm like.. oh shit. I slowly walk over to my car, knowing they saw me come out of the house. Then another cop car comes in. And all three park in front of the apartment. I'm thinking about getting in my car and leaving. But I didn't want to leave Crissy in there by herself so I slowly make my way over to the cops. And I was asked "do you live here?" I said "no.. I'm here to pick up a friend." He asked me to go inside and ask the owner of the apartment to come out. Very scary. I had had one beer. And I'm a minor.. seventeen. Kyle was DRUNK.. DRUNK.. DRUNK.. he's sixteen. He brought the "glitter sisters" over. They're sixteen year old little girls with glitter all over their faces. And one was drinking. And Keneth is nineteen, not old enough to drink. Cops didn't come in, thank god. Crissy, Brandon, Keneth and I were getting ready to leave and the birthday girl asked Crissy and I to come back. And she started growling at me. I backed away quickly. None of us ended up leaving. Crissy and I were on the floor playing Rummy. Brandon was flirting with one of the glitter sisters. And poor little Kyle is so drunk he can't hold his head up.. but he's making out with the other glitter sister that is his girl friend. Well, he wasn't making out, he wasn't moving. She was though. The glitter sisters leave. And I look over at Kyle on the couch and I say "does he always look that pale?". The birthday girl is in the middle of jokingly saying "the bucket is in the kitchen"... and Kyle pukes... all over the place. In my head I'm saying.. "Okay, Cops, puking, glitter sisters... soo time to leave!".. so I leave......... hurt me

[06 Dec 2002|02:17am] Take the 'What Jhonen Project Would You Be?' @ JtHM.net Quiz created by: sweetestdisease hurt me

don't watch me cry damn it! [04 Dec 2002|11:22pm] [ mood | crushed ] Alright. Yesterday I was on my way to court. It was about one o'clock. And I was at a stop light waiting for it to turn green so I could turn onto route ten [ironbridge road]. I was flipping through my radio stations. Here are my programmed stations. [1] y101.1 [new rock] [2] XL102.1 [use to play classic rock, it's now known as the X.. new rock] [2] B103.7 [best of the 80s, 90s, and today] [4] K95.7 [country] [5] Q94.5 [pop, alternative] [6] 100.3 [country] As I'm flipping through the stations.. I get to the last one. And it's playing Reba McEntire - the greatest man I never knew. Which is early 90s country. Something I grew up on. So I listen to it. And before I know it. I'm crying.. at a stop light. Over a fucking song. The people in the car next to me were watching. I flipped them off. Here's the song. --------------------------------------------------------------- The greatest man I never knew Lived just down the hall And every day we said hello And never touched at all He was in his paper I was in my room How was I to know He thought I hung the moon The greatest man I never knew Came home late every night He never had too much to say Too much was on his mind I never really knew him And now it seems so sad Everything he gave to us Took all he had Then the days turned into years And the memories to black and white He grew cold like an old winter wind Blowing across my life The greatest words I never heard I guess I'll never hear The man I thought would never die Has been dead almost a year He was good at business But there was business left to do He never said he loved me I guess he thought I knew --------------------------------------------------------------- I cried.. because my father and I aren't talking. And he's getting older. He just turned 62. People on his side of the family normally live till there late 80s.. early 90s.. [his uncle died at 99]. But.. he could die. And I don't want him to die while fighting with me. I have tried to make up with him. I wished him happy birthday.. to his answering machine. He won't talk to me. I know he was never really my father. But we could at least be friends. I've realized I can't stay angry at him forever. Because, he's not going to be around forever. And you can't change your parents. You have to learn to accept them for who they are. Doesn't mean you have to live who they are and what they stand for. My father was part of my day dream yesterday.. on the way to court in my mothers car. [I drove to her work, she drove to court]. I was married. Been married for about 8 years. Had two small children. And my husband just left me. He'd been seeing a man for about two months. My husband had been seeing a man that is. And we all know this will happened. Since I'm only attracted to bisexual males. Well.. I was taking care of myself. As I know I will, one day. He left. I stopped speaking to him. Two weeks after he left my father died. He was being put to rest in Maryland [he'll be put to rest in Tenn when he actually dies, I think]. I was up there. And I fighting with my fathers girl friend, Pat. She told me I should take my piercings out for my fathers funeral because he didn't like them. I blew up and started screaming "He doesn't care anymore. He's dead, my father.. is dead". Well.. my husband came through the door. My sister had called him. So I turn around and start screaming at him. Questiong why he's here. Calling him at fucking faggot and what not... etc.. etc.. etc.. The day dream goes on for awhile. See.. even my day dreams are horrible. BLAH! This is gonna sound weird, coming from me. I want my father. I want to hear him call me "girl".. in that tone of his. Took him forever to actually tell me he loved me. He doesn't say "I love you, Sandra". It's "I love you girl". I don't understand how he could just push me out of his life over 500 dollars. I am going to pay him back. I just have to pay my mother first. If I was Lisa or Gene Jr. he wouldn't have done this. Crying now. Hollow 1 ##| hurt me

Dude.. where's my car? [04 Dec 2002|06:01am] I had this really weird ass dream yesterday after court [nothing happened in court.. didn't even have to go into the room.. so I'm not gonna talk about that]. I got home.. I marched upstairs and curled back into my bed. I woke up around six yesterday night wondering.. what the hell was I dreaming?! My Dream ~~~> Crissy and I started out.. in a gas station, in the bad part of town. Parked.. studying for some kind of test that had something to do with school. We got out of the car, and somebody attempted to steal the car. I stopped them. It happened a few more times. Then Crissy and I were at some model chicks house.. that Crissy knew from school [not in reality]. The chicks ex girl friend came over.. who was a swimmer. We talked, they fought. After that, Crissy, swimmer chick, model chick, and I.. are at some party. We go to this party like every night for two weeks. Each night.. my car almost gets stolen.. like twice. The last night of the party.. we park my car around the block in a busy gas station.. thinking that nobody is gonna bother it here. We go into the party. Swimmer chick disappears somewhere. The party ends and model chick, Crissy, and I head back to my car. Which isn't there. I'm freaking out. Remember.. all the other times.. my car was *almost* stolen.. this time it's gone. So I'm losing my mind. Then.. the arrow buttons out of my cell phone. I'm screaming at Crissy to pick them up and she starts babbling about how she let the swimmer chick borrow my car. I dunno Then flash... we're back at model chicks house. And Keith, my ex, is chasing me around the house with a needle injection sedative! He had done this before [so not in reality]. He jabbed it into my neck. But it hit this leather necklace I was wearing. So it didn't actually go into my skin. He gives up on sedating me. So we lay down.. in *my* spare bed room [the one in my real house].. on the bed. And talk about something. Then I wake up. --------------------------------------------------------------- I have never remembered this much of such a stupid dream. Though I do think I'm going to lock my car doors from now on. Heh. Hollow hurt me

[04 Dec 2002|05:43am] I now remember why I stopped watching the news awhile ago. I don't want to know.. if they can't find Saddams blow up a few states bombs. I don't want to know that air line companys can't afford to protect their flights from shoulder launched bombs. I don't want to know they're shipping major amounts of army / navy / air force people out of the country after x-mas. I do NOT need to know we're starting a war! I'm not going to have to wait for AIDs or cancer to kill me. I'm going to get blown up in my own home. If one of these mass destruction bombs hits DC.. there's a good chance Imma get hurt, maybe beyond repair. And if anything hits new port news or norfolk.. Bye Bye Hollow and family. Hollow hurt me

mourn the dead toes [02 Dec 2002|05:36am] I can not feel my toes. No joke. The rest of my body is fine. But there's a freezing breeze coming out of the torn apart small spare bed room. And it's passing along my poor blue toes. Anyways Today was horrible. I had two violent out burst. I need to be back on my medication. -sighs-. Pat, my therapist.. who I've had since like 98/99... can't see me until I pay my missed appointment bill. Which my mother is taking her sweet time.. taking care of. The past three nights.. all I've been thinking about is cancer. And how with every passing second.. I'm one step closer to cervix cancer. I asked my mother to make me an appointment with my OBGYN.. but.. again.. she's taking her own sweet time. It's kind of funny. Both my parents have put money signs over my head. My father isn't talking to me because I haven't paid him 500 dollars. And my mother refuses to pay the extra money to put me to sleep in order to fix my HPV. Funny don't you think? I'm worth 500 dollars to my walk away daddy. And my mother would rather I die a horrible death.. then pay to put me to sleep. With the mother problem. I attempted to use the "cancer bills with cost more then putting me to sleep".. Wanna know what she said? "I have cancer insurance on you. I got it last year. Won't cost a thing." Harsh, don't you think? I'm going to attempt to sleep. It's gotta be warmer in my room then it is in this room. And you all know how I hate being hot. And my house is freezing all the time. So it's gotta be below freezing for me to actually be cold. Hollow hurt me

[28 Nov 2002|02:33pm] [ mood | bitchy ] Oh sweet jesus. I was wondering around the web looking for a certain kind of bra.. and I happen to pass across this DOCTORS web site. This isn't her personal site.. this is her medical.. center.. site. Now.. tell me if this is what you expect to find on a medical web site Or this lovely tasteful number [insert sarcasm here] Now these photos are all over her site. Not just a person picture gallery. She also spent one page ranting and raving about how bras make you 100 times more likely to get breast cancer. That has never been proven. She believes that if you stop wearing your bra today in just 30 days your boobs will be bouncy and perky. Well when I shut myself into my house for two months.. I didn't wear a bra one day. Still same old saggy 38C/D cups. I'd like her to try to feed a line of shit like that to Crissy. Yeah.. 30 days of not wearing a bra is gonna bring up those 42DDD puppies.. NIPPLES ARE GONNA BE POINTING TO THE SKY! -smirks- -rolls her eyes- Some people should not be allowed to practice medicine. She was also raving about how horribly high heels will not harm your feet. She seems to have her facts mixed up. See.. bras.. *don't* cause cancer.. and heels.. *do* harm feet. hurt me

[28 Nov 2002|09:24am] [ mood | aggravated ] I just wrote this to my sister... --------------------------------------------------------------- Sharon, You've got mom crying in the kitchen. She wants nothing to do with christmas this year because of you. I know I have no room to talk. I've made her cry at least a million and one times. But you're the "good" daughter. I know mom isn't the easiest person to deal with. But.. you're completely blowing her off. You barely talk to her. You *don't* talk to me. It's like.. in the past few months you've wanted nothing to do with either one of us. I know mom has made a lot of mistakes with both of us.. and you've had a rough life when it comes to mom. But she loves you to death. And you've completely pushed her out of your life. I don't know all the details of what's happening between you two. I do know some shit about how mom is making you choose between Todd and her. You know none of us liked Todd. But we've all learned to accept him over the years. And I've learned to love him. I can't speak for mom, because I don't know. But I do know you've got her in a lot of pain. She doesn't cry in front of me. But she just busted into tears.. over you.. while talking about you. I know you're more then likely going through a lot of shit right now. But you need to stop. You're hurting her, and you're hurting me. You're my big sister. I've always looked up to you. Always thought you were beautiful and this wonderful amazing person. I don't think I've ever said that.. but it's what I've always thought since ... as far back as my seventeen year old memory can go. But now I don't know what to think. You don't talk to me.. and you barely talk to her. What in the hell is wrong with you? This is your family. Fuck, you're the only family I've got! I know mom and I are full of drama you don't need, mostly my fault, but we're still your family. Just tell one of us what the hell is going on. You do know.. once you grow apart from somebody.. you can never get back what you once had before. I've learned that the hard way. By staying away and not speaking to the rest of my "family". I don't want you, mom, and I to be like that. ~Sandra hurt me

It's COLD.. it's COLD.. it's FUCKING COLD. [26 Nov 2002|02:03am] [ mood | cold ] It was like 27 degrees outside last night. Not cool man. Anyway Erm.. what did I do this weekend? Friday.. I don't think I did anything. I may have picked Crissy up and taken her to her new place at Shahbas. I can't remember which day that was. She wrecked her car on I 95 north bound. She says it wasn't her fault. I dunno. I laughed. I haven't seen the car yet. Saturday. I went to the mall, swapt my cell phone.. cause my old one stopped working. Well.. the screen stopped working. I finally got my nails done. After I broke every one.. but my inch long pinky nail [Yesum.. my nails are real.. and they rock YOUR socks]. I bought a new ring. Onyx and diamonds.. with a gold band. I look creepy in gold. But I needed a new onyx ring. Saturday night I was at home.. talking to what appeared to be an either bisexual or gay teenager living in Chesterfield. While doing that.. my cell phone rang from the living room. Scared the shit out of me. Cause I hadn't set my ringer yet. And well.. yeah. Anyway.. It was Crissy. She was slap ass drunk. So I went over to Shabha. There were people there that I didn't know. I was creeped out. I was in a trailer with a bunch of mid twenty year olds.. that were drunk and stoned. It was new to me. I've never been the sober one. I never realized how you actually act while fucked up. I took Crissy to the store to get everybody food. She was horribly loud in the store.. and completely drunk. Sunday. I woke up around three in the afternoon. I stumbled out of my bed room in underwear and a big gray sweater. I glanced down the steps and saw an old super tall bald guy! I freaked and hurled myself back into my bed room. I didn't know who this creepy looking stranger was in my house. Anyway.. the entry below is all about him. Ick. --------------------------------------------------------------- I've been doing odd things. Reading and looking at things that scare me. I can't really explain.. cause it's something I'm not comfortable talking about right now. I pray it's just a phase. While doing this.. odd thing.. I figured out what Candice told me was wrong. I'm going now. Hollow hurt me

[24 Nov 2002|08:59pm] [ mood | infuriated ] I woke up around three this afternoon. I opened my bed room door in just a sweat shirt and underwear. I catch a glance at the back of a bald head. I jump back into my bed room. My mother comes upstairs and says something or other to me. I'm now going to be typing without looking at the screen. I'll explain in a minute. So fair warning. There may be a few typos I'll fix later. There is some stange ass six foot something 50 something year old man lurking around my house. I'm three seconds away from snapping. They're both working in the spare bed room. Where the computer happens to be. I want my fucking house. Without some weird old guy with a massive nose and a weird since of humor. I fucking hate this shit. I've put up with it all fucking day with a plastic smile on my face. Now I'm about to fucking get violent here. Hollow hurt me

Forever is never long enough. [18 Nov 2002|01:08am] [ mood | curious ] About five or ten minutes ago I was standing in the down stairs bed room bathroom door way. Peering out into the down stairs bed room. I glanced around at all the little things that just scream "my mother".. The wall paper boarder. The paint on the walls. The bed spread. Everything is so her. I started to wonder where I would be in ten years. I'd be almost twenty eight. My mother would be sixty. What would I be doing? Where would I be living? Yanno, the way my life is heading right now, this very second. It's pointing to "no future". I was wondering if I'll still be around in ten years. No I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself. But there's no guarantee that I'll be alive in ten years. There's no guarantee that I'll live to see another sun rise. That scares me. I just want somebody to promise I'll be around for 250 years. Heh. I mean, what's the point? You live your whole life.. working for something that's just going to be taken away in the end. What does it feel like to know you're going to die. I mean.. really know you're going to die.. We all know we're going to die one day. But I'm talking about the teenage girl laying in a hospital bed with cancer. Knowing she's going to die.. soon. How do you handle something like that? I've watched a few too many people die of cancer. And I can't figure out how they.. did it. How they watched their bodies fall apart... and die. I'm working on cancer. And no I don't mean by smoking. I still have HPV.. still afraid to let the doctor tear four little pieces of my cervix out. Where are you going to be in ten years? Hollow hurt me

"to live is to suffer.. to survive... that's to find meaning in the suffering" [17 Nov 2002|02:41am] [ mood | nostalgic ] "In anothers eyes.. I'm someone who.. loves her enough to walk away from you. I'd never cheat. I would never lie. In anothers eyes." Lyrics. Ever wonder why you were stupid enough to believe such bull shit? I mean think about it. Keith "left" Rebecca for me.. cheated on her with me. What in the fucking hell was I thinking? What made me believe he wouldn't do the same thing to me? Get somebody like that.. they're gonna leave you like that. Ever think about the stupid lies you actually made yourself believe? I mean.. is my self worth that fucking low? What made me stay with Lyle. I didn't love him. Maybe I thought I did. Maybe I was afraid to be alone? But why. What's so god awful about being alone? Why the hell did I date Ryan?! He wasn't my type. We rarely had a real coversation. I dunno. Every day I attempt to understand why I do the things that I do. I understand other people and their actions. Why can't I understand my own? Why won't I leave my house? Why won't I go get my meds? Why won't I answer the phone? Why do I throw myself in horrid relatinships? Why do I abuse myself? Why do I abuse the small amount of good people I know? Why do I do I watch everything? Why don't I allow myself to breathe? Why don't I think like a normal fucking human being?! I dunno.. list could go on and on forever. But.. it's rather pointless don't you think? --------------------------------------------------------------- Do you remember being little? Having to reach upwards to hold your mothers hand? Remember when there was no future? Just birthdays and sunday morning cartoons. When you just believed in something because it was there? Like religion. When I was little I never questioned god. Everything seemed so simple. I'm not saying my childhood was perfect. I had problems back then. But nothing campared to my issues now. When I was little I had horrible separation anxiety from my mother. I was horrified if I wasn't around her all the time she would die. I've always had a problem with death. The only real memories I have of my father while my parents were together.. Would be the times I ran back and forth from the down stairs living room to the basement room to get him and his friends beer while they watched boxing. And of him half passed out on the down stairs living room couch. And there was "the" fight. My parents were in the down stairs living room screaming at one another. I was sitting at the top of the second stair case. Listening. First time I heard my mother say "you're like talking to a brick wall!" Couldn't understand what she meant back then. Boy do I understand now. --------------------------------------------------------------- I have this odd ability to make myself feel things that aren't real. This is going to sound completely insane.. Morning before last.. I was laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. And I started thinking about this guy I know [no I'm not naming names].. And I had this odd day dream that we were together but he was horribly abusive. Before I know I'm crying. As if it was more then just a day dream. I've also done this with my mothers funeral [no she's not dead.. but I had a day dream she was].. I've done this sort of thing a few too many times. That's what makes me a perfect liar. I can make.. myself believe my own lies. I can feel.. what I would be feeling.. if my lies were the truth. Of course I haven't done that in a couple of years. But.. eh "the perfect liar can't tell the truth from the lies" I have no idea why I talk so much. Nobody reads this stupid thing... but me. Hollow 1 ##| hurt me

-yawn- [13 Nov 2002|08:49am] [ mood | exhausted ] It's almost nine A.M. .. I'm tired. I haven't been to bed yet. I was standing in the kitchen a few hours ago, watching the rain. And I started to think. I hate thinking. It's such a horrible thing, don't you think? -smirks-.. Anyways I was wondering.. what I could have done to hold onto those few good people that have passed through my life. I was leaning against the counter.. attempting to understand what he hell happens to me when a nice person wants some romance out of me. I turn into this god awful person. It's like my mind gets set in kill mode. Like kill or be killed. I was talking to Ryan [one of those few nice people I spoke of above].. and he was babbling about how horrible his love life is. How people fall for him, then get tired of him, treat him like shit.. and leave [something I did. stupid me, eh?]. I commented with "at least you're not addicted to horrible relationships." That's what I am. I'm an addict. I'm a mother fucking junkie. If I'm not being hurt, damaged, or fucked over in some way. I attack. I don't know how to deal with a stable, normal relationship. If I keep this.. addiction. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my natural born life! I don't know how to break this sick addiction. How to stop it. It's like I can't control it. Like smoking... -snickers-. I really don't know how to control myself. I have to be with the beautiful bastards. I don't feel alive unless I'm in pain. I wasn't born like this. What the hell.. made me like this. I didn't just wake up and say "hey now, I think I'm going to spend the rest of my life bouncing in and out of horrible deadly relationships! WHAT FUN THAT SHALL BE!" Maybe it was Keith. But I think it started before Keith. Maybe it was my father. Maybe it's just my sick little mind. There's a root to all problems. And I can't seem to dig deep enough into the soil to find this fucking root! And all these thoughts dashed through my head in about a five minute time spand. Do you know how many things like this I can think about in a full day?! --------------------------------------------------------------- On a different note. I haven't been leaving my house much. With good personal reasons.. Well they seem good to me most of the time. But this morning.. around twenty thirty A.M... I went out with Crissy to drop a list of songs off at Shahbas place. We hung out there for about an hour then had to go pick up Jamie from work. Well Crissy needed gas. So she pulled into a WAWA.. made a U turn to get into the parking lot. I was digging into my bag for a five dollar bill for a drink and a pack of cigarettes. I look up and there's a bright yellow medium.. in front of us. I scream.. and BAM.. she goes right on over it. I laughed.. hurt the fuck out of my shoulder. But I laughed. Well we got gas.. and we started down i 95. I look over at her after lighting my cigarette and notice that there's just something wrong with her stearing wheel. It takes me a minute.. but I figure out what's wrong. It's basically up side down! You know how the stearing wheel leans to the right of the left when you throw off your alignment.. Well dear fucking christ. It was upside down. She didn't notice. She got rather upset with herself. And after we picked Jamie up I had to drive or she was going to kill us. Driving angry.. well. Crissy driving angry.. is not a good thing. She isn't the best driver when she's in a good mood, much less angry. --------------------------------------------------------------- I'd like to babble about my rape case. But I don't think that'd be a good idea. Maybe later on.. after I've had some sleep, I'll move into a friends only entry and talk about it. --------------------------------------------------------------- Yanno... for a fat ugly chick. I get around. While I was driving back home after picking up Jamie.. Crissy and I started talking about our exs.. and things we had done while with our exs. Almost all of my exs have been pretty damn attractive. They've been bastards.. but that's a different story all together. How do I.. a girl bigger then ALL my exs.. get such attractive people? I personally think they're attractied to my wounded side. Yanno.. my deer caught in head lights side. And I believe they're attracted to that because they are.. well.. bastards. --------------------------------------------------------------- I could go on and on forever right now. But I think I should shut up. This is a long enough update for now, don't you think? Hollow 2 ##s| hurt me

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